Understanding, Addressing Teen Dating Violence
By Kimberly McVinneyWHAT IS TEEN DATING VIOLENCE?
Teen life, with its fads, crushes, clashes and breakups, seems to be a world away from abusive relationships. Yet, according to the Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence, 24 percent of 14- to 17-year-olds know at least one student who has been a victim of dating violence.
Teen dating violence is a pattern of controlling behaviors by one teenager over another teenager with whom they are in a dating relationship. Controlling behaviors can include the following types of abuse: physical violence, physically hurting someone or preventing them from leaving a location; sexual abuse, forcing someone to have sex; emotional and psychological abuse, publicly embarrassing, humiliation or name-calling; threats, threatening to leave or hurt someone, even themselves; isolation, telling them they cannot associate with their friends; intimidation, making a person afraid with a look; and harassment, calling, paging or texting someone frequently.
Teen dating violence affects people from all socioeconomic, educational and religious backgrounds and occurs in same-sex as well as heterosexual relationships. Parents may not realize dating violence is present in their teenager's relationship. This type of violence can happen over time.
WHY DOESN'T THE VICTIM JUST LEAVE?
Before violence starts, a teen may experience criticisms and demands from his or her dating partner. For example, a boyfriend might tell his girlfriend what clothes to wear and with whom she can spend time. Teens may be confused by these demands and may not know how to deal with a dating partner's manipulation. During a period of time, the violence can get worse.
There are many reasons a teenager will not break free from an abusive relationship. Dating someone can be a status symbol, a way to feel more secure or a way to break into a new circle of friends. A teenager may hope that things will get better. Teen victims may begin to believe - wrongly - that they deserve the abuse. Many people feel that an abusive relationship is better than no relationship.
RED FLAGS OF TEEN DATING VIOLENCE
Teen dating violence may start out as emotional abuse and then turn into physical violence. Initially, the abuse may occur in isolated incidents for which the abuser regrets and promises never to do again.
The abuser may also rationalize the reason for his abuse as being due to stress or caused by something the victim did or didn't do. Many teenagers don't want to ask their parents for help. They might be afraid their parents won't let them go out with their dating partner anymore.
Some indicators of teen dating violence:
Is one partner afraid of the other?
Does one partner call the other names, or tell the other that he or she cannot do anything right?
Is one partner extremely jealous? Continuously check up on their partner?
Does one partner tell the other where they can and cannot go or who they can and cannot talk to?
Does one partner tell the other that no one else would ever go out with them?
Is one partner being cut off from their friends? Have they given up interests such as friends, school activities such as sports? Possibly changed their appearance or other behavior?
Does one partner feel pushed or forced into sexual activity?
Does one partner say it's the other's fault or that the other caused them to be abusive?
Does one partner shove, grab, hit, pinch, hold down or kick the other?
Are there unexplained injuries?
HOW TO SUPPORT A VICTIM OF TEEN DATING VIOLENCE?
Knowing or suspecting your teenager or friend is in an abusive relationship can be hard. It can be difficult to know what to do or say. Here are some ways to provide support:
Let the victim know the abuse is not their fault
Remain calm and indicate you are glad he or she is talking to you
Ask how you may help, letting the teenager know you care
Remember to be non-judgmental
Contact a local domestic violence advocate for professional advice
DATING RIGHTS
Schools, parents, teachers and community organizations can all help identify dating violence and provide support for abuse victims. But teens themselves must also learn how to reach out and help friends who are victims of relationship abuse. Post these dating rights in your home, office, classroom, etc.
Rights
I have the right:
To be treated with respect always.
To my own body, thoughts, opinions and property.
To choose and keep my friends.
To change my mind - at any time.
To not be abused - physically, emotionally or sexually.
To leave a relationship.
To say no.
To be treated as an equal.
To disagree.
To live without fear and confusion from my boyfriend's or girlfriend's anger.
Responsibilities
I have the responsibility:
To not threaten to harm myself or another.
To encourage my girlfriend or boyfriend to pursue their dreams.
To support my girlfriend or boyfriend emotionally.
To communicate, not manipulate.
To not humiliate or demean my girlfriend or boyfriend.
To refuse to abuse - physically, emotionally or sexually.
To take care of myself.
To allow my boyfriend or girlfriend to maintain their individuality.
To respect myself and my girlfriend or boyfriend.
To be honest with each other.
For assistance or more information, call Project Crossroads, 483-7718; Family Service of the Chautauqua Region, 488-1971; or Chautauqua County Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Hotline, (800) 252-8748 or 661-3897.
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KevinOfJamestownNY
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10-03-08 8:03 PM
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Just one final note: Domestic violence is WRONG!!! So, don't do it ... just say "NO"!!!
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KevinOfJamestownNY
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10-03-08 7:59 PM
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Oops ...... I made a boo-boo ... a typo[graphical] error ...... "censroship" should be "censorship"! Sorry ... I must have gotten intoxicated by the thought of a "n i p". Shame on me!!! Okay, I'm finished ...... now, I'm off to see what other challenges are out there!
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KevinOfJamestownNY
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10-03-08 7:50 PM
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I'm ready for a "n i p" ... oh, I forgot, I don't consume alcohol. Note: n i p = a small drink of liquor. It's hard to believe but I do think the censroship software is more dirty-minded than me. Shame on it!!! At least I had my chuckle for today. Thanks!
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KevinOfJamestownNY
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10-03-08 7:43 PM
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Note: n i p in the bud = prevent.
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KevinOfJamestownNY
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10-03-08 7:34 PM
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I see that my comment was censored for use of the word "n i p" ... OMG ...... I know, the censorship software did it ... but, really, didn't it also see there was absolutely no mention of breasts or udders in my comment?!? If anything, the censorship software should have censored "S&M"!!!
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KevinOfJamestownNY
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10-03-08 7:10 PM
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This issue is not limited to "teen dating" ... it applies to all "domestic", teen and adult ... but beginning to address the issue during the teen years is a good way to****it in the bud. Now, only if teens would listen to some good advice ... that's the challenge! Usually, experience is the best learning tool; however, domestic violence appears to be a significant exception in that its victims generally become its perpetrators ... the "see-learn-do" syndrome. We need to change what is "seen" which will change what is "learned" and, subsequently, what is "done". People, teens and adults, need to "see" that domestic violence is wrong and that can only be accomplished, legitimately, through law enforcement. Perpetrators need to be visually consequenced for their wrong behavior. Now, only if people would realize that S&M is wrong ... that's yet another challenge!!! Note: S&M = Sadism & Masochism.
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