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Dick Jauron Needs To Be Kicked In The Jewels
December 19, 2008 - John Whittaker
Darn you, Dick Jauron. Darn you all to heck.
You're an idiot.
You might be the dumbest coach this side of Greg Robinson, Art Shell and Rich Kotite. You should be summarily fired. Your playbook should be recycled into doggie toilet paper. May you receive 3,000 papercuts on the most uncomfortable parts of your body. You should be forced to pick up the horse crap dropped by the Buffalo Police Department's horse unit with your hands. No gloves or shovels for you.
Am I bitter, with a chance to beat the Jets and help the Patriots take control of the AFC East, that you called a play-action rollout that: A. Lost the Bills a game? B. Could cost the Patriots a playoff berth? C. Gave half of Buffalo heart palpitations? D. Almost killed Ralph Wilson? E. Probably resulted in more broken remote controls or dented couches than any Bills' game since Scotty Norwood went wide right in the Super Bowl?
Bill Belichick should get a free shot to your family jewels every day for the next month, only you don't know when it's coming. Every Bills fan in Erie County should have free reign to light flaming bags of poo (human or dog) on your porch for the next week. No calling the cops - you deserve it.
Why in the Wide Wide World Of Sports do you, in a game in which your running game is gashing the Jets offensive line, do you decide to get cute with 3 minutes left? Do you not realize the best thing that could happen is a punt and force the Jets to drive the field. The best player on your team is Brian Moorman, your All-Pro punter. YOU WANT THE GAME IN HIS HANDS, you moron. Instead, you put the game in your backup quarterback's hands and the hands of an offensive line that hasn't blocked consistently all year.
Basically, what you're saying is you have no faith in your special teams and defense, and that you're scared of Brett Favre. On second thought, Bill Belichick can't kick you in the family jewels, because you're a gelding. Let's just say you're operating on a no ball, two strike count. You are not, I repeat NOT, Dirk Diggler at the end of Boogie Nights. You have no career in the porn industry. You have no marbles. No juevos. Your sack is emptier than Santa Claus at the end of his Christmas trip around the world. I can't say this in enough ways, you are neutered. Your wife must be very disappointed. Not even Viagra or Cialis can help you.
On this point there can be no disagreement -- all sports teams need to have a GM of Common Sense (Thanks Sports Guy!) who approves all major coaching decisions during a game. No more Andy Reid blowing all his timeouts because he can't get a play in with more than 5 seconds on the play clock, and no more losing all his challenges on unwinnable plays. Never again will a coach like Greg Robinson be able to try to install a West Coast offense when his talent is more suited to run the option. No more Dick Jauron running a PLAY ACTION ROLLOUT against one of the best and fastest defensive lines in the league.
Let me get this right, coaches make millions of dollars a
What will it take for the Syracuse guards to realize the easiest way to score against bad teams is pound the ball into the post, and not to take contested jump shots from 30 feet away from the basket?
In this age of offense in the NFL, take a moment to remember Slinging Sammy Baugh, the former Washington Redskins' great from West Texas who almost single-handedly created the forward pass and died earlier this week. In 1943, he led the league in passing, punting and interceptions. In one game, he threw four touchdowns and also intercepted four passes. He threw six touchdowns passes in a game twice. His 51.4-yard punting average in 1940 remains the NFL record. Way to be, Slinging Sammy. You'll be missed.
The Yankees infatuation with Mike Cameron has me confused. If they wanted a .220 hitting centerfielder, why didn't they just start Melky Cabrera for the entire season? Can't wait for the C.C. Sabathia era to start in earnest, though.
Gross Pointe Blank is a really, really solid movie. Dan Akroyd's character kills me, and John Cusack is one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood. One time, just once, I want to be able to walk into a room, have someone ask what I do for a living, and have the guts to say "I'm a contract killer.'
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the masterminds behind South Park, need to make more than six episodes a season. Is it really that hard to write a 22 minute episode, guys?
I love football as much as anyone, but you will never convince me that enough people care about seeing Navy and Wake Forest play to merit a 472nd college football bowl game. I'll be shocked if that game generates a decent rating against a rerun of Maude or whatever's on ESPN Classic. We can have 900 bowl games, but we can't have a playoff to see which of the 100 11-1 teams is the best team in the country. That makes perfect sense.
Here's hoping the next U.S. Senator from New York is the best qualified for the job, not the one with the most recognizable name. You'd think the current state of the country would be a sign that we need smart people in high places, but I'm starting to wonder.
Why do some of these ramblings sound like they were written by Peter or Larry King? Is that a sign that I really, really suck?
When will Eddie Murphy, Jerry Seinfeld, Denis Leary, Richard Lewis or Tim Allen make new stand-up material? Are they just trying to leave on a high note, or do they just have nothing interesting to say anymore?
I may go crazy -- it could be a shorter trip than some might think -- if I have to endure another eight months of Brett Favre's "Will he or won't he play in 2009' crap. Make up your mind. If you truly don't know, retire. Go away. We're tired of you. Besides, Peter King needs another butt to sniff for the next 15 years. I nominate Jay Cutler or Matt Ryan.
RIP, Arena League. You'll be missed. Back when I was in college, my buddies Dole and the Gong would play three-man arena football between these two buildings on campus. There couldn't have been more than 15 feet between them -- and it was perfect. I've watched arena football since I was in middle school, and it was always a nice substitute for the NFL during the offseason. It allowed me to get my football fix. Now, it's gone, and the Whitless Wonder is sad.
Could it be worse?
As much as the Ed Hoculi call could cost the San Diego Chargers a playoff spot, Dick Jauron's idiotic coaching call could change the face of the AFC Playoffs this year.
Hope your proud, Dick. You've torpedoed a Buffalo team that could have been a contender, ticked off fans in two major cities (Buffalo and Toronto) and now you're shafted the Pats.
Merry bloody Christmas, you meathead. Enjoy that three-year contract extension. If Ralph Wilson was still alive, this never would have happened.
On to this week's games…
Navy vs. Wake Forest: I usually have a hard time taking a service academy against winning teams, but I'm going to take a flyer on Navy in the EagleBank Bowl. Did you know the company that sponsors this bowl is calling the EagleBank Bowl a "premier college bowl event' on its Web site? Under that logic, Gigli was an Emmy Award-winning movie, the Chevy Cavalier is a limousine and the Whitless Wonder is writing for ESPN.com.
Colorado State vs. Fresno State: Rule of thumb - never pick against Pat Hill in a bowl game. That guy can flat-out coach. I'm taking the Bulldogs in the New Mexico Bowl. How is it, by the way, that New Mexico gets a bowl game while better states don't have one? Couldn't they call this the Area 51 Bowl? Was the This Is Where The Aliens Landed Bowl taken?
South Florida vs. Memphis: I haven't seen Memphis play a football game all season. I didn't even know their football team was in Division 1. New rule: If your team isn't on national TV ONE TIME DURING THE SEASON, you're not allowed to go to a bowl game. South Florida stinks, and they were on ESPN like four times. Based on number of times on TV, I'm taking South Florida in the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Bowl. I think there needs to be a Busti Bowl. Seriously.
BYU vs. Arizona: I'm going with the Stormin' Mormons in this one. Here's the best part. They're playing in the Las Vegas Bowl. That's right - a bunch of Mormons are going to Sin City to play in a bowl game. Does this qualify as their Mormon mission? Will they see the inside of a casino? Can they bring their wives? These are questions I feel must be answered. Baltimore at Dallas: Thanks to Dick Jauron (see rant above), Dallas has to come through, at home, and beat the Ravens for me. Three reasons why I think this happens: 1. Can anyone else see Baltimore still being shell-shocked about the end of the Steelers' game last week? I definitely can. 2. This is a must-win game for both teams, but the stakes are a little higher for Dallas. Anything less than the Super Bowl is a disaster when you work for Jerry Jones, and Baltimore has already cemented itself as one of the league's nice stories this year. 3. Dallas has a good enough defense to make Baltimore one dimensional, and that doesn't bode well for Aflac's next mascot, Joe Flacco. Yep, I've talked myself into taking the Cowboys.
New Orleans at Detroit: I know Detroit played better last week against Indianapolis, and the law of averages says Detroit has to win once this season, but I can't see one logical scenario in which New Orleans loses this game other than the Saints' team bus getting lost on the way to Ford Field, or Ford Field being repossessed and this game being played in a sandlot. Detroit gets home sandlot advantage, you know. I think the chances are good that we could be looking at the first 0-16 team in history. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 Detroit Lions!
Pittsburgh at Tennessee: Remember, last week, when the Whitless Wonder wrote that he didn't like the way the Titans' season is trending? I think they've peaked. Seriously, I do. Pittsburgh, meanwhile, has taken over the mantle of "Best Winning Ugly Team' in the NFL. The Steelers win, because my Steelers voodoo doll apparently is broken. I've stuck that pin in Big Ben's leg about 300 times and that mothertrucker is still playing.
Miami at Kansas City: With an outside chance of winning the Fat Guy Trophy, I can't really afford to throw a game away. I can see this game as a toss-up, and the Chiefs have every reason to play horribly Saturday after the way they lost to San Diego last weekend. I'm clinging to the possibility, though, that Herm Edwards has his team ready to play Sunday. For the trophy, though, I'm actively rooting against my pick and taking the Dolphins.
Arizona at New England: Do you even need to ask who I'm taking?
Since we know my pick, let me pilfer a couple of paragraphs from Bill Simmons' column this morning, especially since he's right and I agree with him wholeheartedly:
A resilient, gritty, respectably competitive season for a team that lost nearly every veteran leader as the season dragged along, never made excuses and kept chugging forward. My big concern: seven wins over the Broncos, Niners, Bills, Raiders, Chiefs, Rams and Seahawks (combined record: 29-69); three losses to the Steelers, Colts and Chargers (combined record: 27-15); and splits with the Jets and Dolphins (combined record: 18-10). The Pats' only legitimately impressive victory was the 48-28 spanking of the Dolphins in Miami in Week 12. Everything points to them as a decent, well-coached team that wins the games it should win and loses the games it should lose.
And then you watch this week's "Inside the NFL' miking up Belichick, and he's cracking jokes about Jerod Mayo's truck-buying spree, vowing to Cassel that the team will get him that week's game ball for his recently deceased father, asking his coaches to soak the practice footballs in case it rains Sunday and everything else, and it makes you, as a Pats fan, think, "For 60 minutes, no matter who we're playing, we have a chance with this guy -- even during seasons in which we're signing washed-up linebackers in December, then throwing them into games three days after they were probably hanging out in Cabo mixing margaritas and hitting on 19-year-old waitresses.' I wish I could properly explain what it's like to root for a Belichick team but I can't. Just know that he would have been amazing during the strike season in '87. Nothing phases the guy. He just keeps moving forward.
(Hold on, I have to warn my server that 2,500 "You left out the part that he's a cheater!!!!!' e-mails are coming. I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere.)
Well said Sports Guy. Couldn't have written it better myself.
San Francisco at St. Louis: Last week notwithstanding (I love using that word), I like the way the 49ers are playing. Looking at the numbers, San Francisco dominated their game with Miami last week, and just couldn't score touchdowns. I don't see that being a problem this weekend against St. Louis. It's absolutely criminal, by the way, that Dick Jauron will probably keep his job while Mike Singletary is still called the "interim' coach. And you wonder why he likes to scream at his tight end and take his pants off in the locker room. A guy's got to stand out in the crowd somehow.
San Diego at Tampa Bay: In a battle of two crappy teams, go with the crappy team at home, especially when the crappy team at home has a stadium with a GIANT FRICKING CANNON! Teddy and I are taking the Buccaneers, who need to break out their old creamsicle orange jerseys at some point this year. San Diego's playoff push ends here.
Cincinnati at Cleveland: Poop Game Alert! Poop Game Alert! Poop Game Alert! This game could be horrible. Even worse, I'm taking Cincinnati. How far the Brownies have fallen. Last year, they're everyone's darling. Now, their best wide receiver is allergic to the football, both of their starting quarterbacks are on the deceased list, Ken Dorsey is figuring prominently into the equation, and they're about to lose to Cincinnati. Yikes. At this rate, Wile E. Coyote will catch the Roadrunner before the Browns win another game.
N.Y. Jets at Seattle: I can see a set of circumstances coming together in which the Dolphins and Jets lose this weekend. Trust me, I'm absolutely rooting for that to happen. The common sense side of my brain, however, tells me the Jets will take care of business this weekend against the Seahawks and that Mike Holmgren will spend the second half eating cheeseburgers on the sideline. That genius tag went away pretty quickly, didn't it, Mike?
Houston at Oakland: I like everything about the Houston Texans right now, other than their logo. If they can keep this momentum up going into next year, watch out NFL. Last year, we said the same thing about the Browns.
Buffalo at Denver: If you've read this entire blog, you probably know which way I'm leaning in this game. I see the Bills finishing 6-10. They stink. Why did they let Bill Polian leave, again? Has that ever been fully explained? Do Bills fans look at the team Polian's built in Indianapolis and ever lay awake at night, asking themselves why? Bills fans, I have two recommendations for you: 1. Drink heavily while watching highlight tapes from the 1990 to 1994 seasons. Just skip the Super Bowl parts, and you'll be fine. 2. Pray, to the Lord of all that is holy, that the Bills do the right thing and sell the team to Jim Kelly.
Atlanta at Minnesota: I think it's a shame that Atlanta could have the season they're having and not make the playoffs, but I just don't see them beating the Vikings. For one, the Illegal Dietary Supplement Duo are cleared to play for the rest of the season, and that will absolutely kill the run for the Falcons. Second, Tavares Jackson looks like a quarterback all of a sudden. Third, the Vikings still have Adrian Peterson. Besides, Brad Childress is bald, so something has to go right for the poor guy.
Philadelphia at Washington: I love the way Philadelphia has been playing, but what was the record of the teams they've played in the last four weeks, 3-37? Their winning streak and all that playoff talk ends this weekend. I don't see the Eagles beating Washington, especially on the road. And yes, I know Jim Zorn is a dead man walking, and I know Dan Snyder is probably meeting with Bill Cowher as we speak. I still don't see the Eagles beating the Redskins this weekend.
Carolina at N.Y. Giants: Jake, I'm sorry. Is there still room on the Panthers' bandwagon? Will you let me back in? Really? Riding shotgun? Yes, I'm back on the Carolina bandwagon, and, at the same time, I'm feeling pretty down on the Giants -- no pass protection, defense isn't bringing their plus fastball from the bullpen to the mound, and I think a season of controversy is finally taking it toll. The Whitless Wonder is taking Carolina.
Green Bay at Chicago: This game might be played in zero degree temperatures and 6 feet of snow -- which is how football should be played. No domes in the Midwest and Northeast. Play in the elements, you overpaid sissies! In such a game, I've always thought you take the team with the best offensive line and running back. All apologies to Matt Forte and the Bears, but Ryan Grant is the best suited to this type of game. I like the Packers on the frozen tundra of the new Soldier Field.
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