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Six NFL Rants For Your Weekend

October 31, 2008 - John Whittaker

Before we get to this week's picks, some quick NFL-related rants, because I'm feeling a little like Lewis Black:
1. Mike Singletary just moved into the top 10 all-time coaching rants, and he's coached exactly one game. I think I like the Mike Singletary era, I really do. But, I want to see an NFL coach go one step further and actually play with 10 men on the field to make his point. It's about time an NFL coach, in a game where his team was losing by 4 touchdowns, ripped one of his players for doing something stupid. And, apparently, the over/under on "Games Required Before A Coach
Takes His Pants Off During A Halftime Speech' is one game, according to coach Singletary, who had his pants around his ankles during Sunday's halftime speech. Way to go, Mike - glad to see some of Mike Ditka's histrionics paid off for you. I sense good things ahead in the Singletary Era - and some good Coors Light commercials in about five years.
2. I've heard enough of the "West Coast teams are at a disadvantage flying east to play games on the East Coast' argument. If the Cardinals can't fly east and beat an up-and-down Carolina team or a Jets team that almost lost to the Chiefs, then they're just not that good. Good teams win those games. Bad teams lose games they should win -- like to the Jets and the Panthers, for example. It's that simple. It wasn't an issue when the 49ers were lighting people up in the 1980s and 1990s. Now, we're making excuses for multimillion dollar athletes whose job it is to fly on a first class plane, surf the Internet or play videogames in a first-class hotel room and then play a game that my friends and I play for free? Is that where we're going here? Please, Joe Montana and Roger Craig, make excuses for scoring a billion points a weekend in your prime. Ronnie Lott, I double dog dare you to make the "I flew across three time zones before we played the Giants, so I couldn't knock Mark Bavaro into next week' argument. They won't. Know why they won't? It's BULLCRAP! That's why.
3. I think we can officially rename the San Diego Chargers the San Diego Wussies. There's a reason the Chargers aren't a dominant team, and it has nothing to do with injuries. Good teams deal with injuries. The reason the Chargers are going to lose the AFC West to a team with a high school defense is that they have no testicular fortitude. They're gutless. Call them the London Sillienannies, for all I care. They always have an excuse when they lose (hit the Way-Back Button to the very classy LaDanian Tomlinson interview after the Patriots beat the Chargers in the second round of the playoffs a couple of years ago) and run their traps when they win (Philip Rivers against the Colts last season in the playoffs and his ongoing "thing" with Jay Cutler). When you win something, you can run your traps. Until then, shut up and play, San Diego, you bunch of whales' female parts (See, Anchorman, for more information).
4. Repeat this argument for the Jaguars, just change the names. I don't want to hear anything else about a lack of respect - you've got to earn it. No more woofing during the game, Rashean Mathis. Win some games, first.
5. The Giants, however, can't play the no-respect card. If you're the defending world champions, you have plenty of respect. When you're 6-1, you have plenty of respect. When you're the favorite to win your division, you have plenty of respect. Enough with the "Nobody believed in us' card. It has officially been pulled from your deck.
6. Enough of the Brett Favre love-fest. The guy's a good quarterback. He played a lot of games in a row and won a Super Bowl. Yeah, he's in the Hall of Fame when he retires. He's no better than Jim Kelly, John Elway or Dan Marino (and Marino had a better movie cameo, since Marino in Ace Ventura was better than Favre in There's Something About Mary). If I had to have a quarterback to win one game, I might consider Troy Aikman - technically sound, makes good decisions, doesn't cost you games but can win you games if he has to.
You know what else Favre is good for -- at least three games a year, typically, where he throws two horrible interceptions that kill his team's chances for a win. There's a reason the Packers were ready to turn the page. The Elway comparison is especially great since Elway won TWO Super Bowls, pared his game down to the betterment of his team at the end of his career and retired on top. Early in his career, Elway made amazing athletic plays and could cost his team a few games each year with horrible decision making. Why are these two guys different? Peter King and half the ESPN football analysts need to get off Brett Favre's payroll and remember that good quarterbacks blow out the Chiefs, not pull a lucky win out of their butts in the fourth quarter. Matt Cassel beat the Chiefs by 10 points, for God's sake. How does Favre need last-minute magic for that game?
Alright - on to the games (I promise, the Fat Guy Picks will be up this afternoon!):
N.Y. Jets at Buffalo: Nightmare scenario for my buddy Bussman this weekend - Brett Favre comes to Buffalo, again. For a big-time Bills fan - and Bussman qualifies for that - he has a bit of a man-crush on Favre. It's a little scary. Bussman, his man-crush and I all take Buffalo this weekend, though. I don't see the Bills losing back-to-back games in the division. With the Artist Formerly Known As Tom Brady's Team breathing down their necks, I think Dick Jauron has the Bills playing well Sunday.
Detroit at Chicago: Let me ask you, Detroit - are Dan Orlovsky costumes all the rage this Halloween? I think that if I saw some guy in an Orlovsky jersey coming at me with a bag and anything that looked like a weapon, I'd do my best Jesse Owens impression. As if you needed to ask, yes, I'm picking Chicago. Time for the Bears Hula - DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS … deep breath … DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS¸ DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS, DA BEARS. No, you don't want to see the Whitless Wonder in the grass skirt required for the traditional Bears Hula.
Jacksonville at Cincinnati: With Carson Palmer out, probably for the season, I feel bad for Bengals fans. Maybe, it's time to start asking for the backup quarterback's backup - Carson Palmer's little brother, Jordan. Couldn't hurt. Jacksonville has been up-and-down this season, but Cincinnati has been just plain down. Way down. South pole down. I like the Jags to rebound from that "Whitless Wonder Told You So' loss to Cleveland last week.
Baltimore at Cleveland: What does it say about the Browns that I'm taking a rookie quarterback, making his first start in the Dawg Pound? Joe the Quarterback throws for his typical 130 yards, but it doesn't matter, because Baltimore's defense scores at least twice in this game. Don't just take my word on it - Crazy Uncle Ray Lewis says so, too.
Tampa Bay at Kansas City: I hate this game. Seriously, there is no way I'd bet money on this game. I wouldn't even bet your money on it. Tampa Bay should win. They really should. It's Kansas City, for crying out loud. They're terrible. Larry Johnson's spitting on people in bars. Tyler Thigpen is starting at quarterback - you can make up your own joke about that. Their defense hasn't been any good since 1990 - trust me, I'm living with their former defensive coordinator as my favorite college football team's head coach. But, Tampa Bay looked horrible Sunday. I mean, really horrible. Like, me waking up after my 21st birthday horrible. I think the Cowboys' cheerleaders could have won that game. The 1-15 1989 Cowboys probably would have beaten the Bucs. My head says Tampa Bay beats the Chefs, but my belly says the Chefs win in an upset.
Houston at Minnesota: Is the weight loss product that Kevin Williams (genorously listed as 311 pounds in your program) and Pat Williams (very genorously listed as 317 pounds) took the worst weight-loss drug known to man? I say yes. You mean to tell me Pat and Kevin Williams use your product and still weigh in at a combined 600 pounds. That's more than a quarter of a ton, for God's sake. Pull your product from the shelves, right now, and re-market it as a weight gain product. Call it Weight Gain 9000 and have the Williams running around yelling BEEFCAKE at the top of their lungs. It could work. If these guys are taking diet pills and still gaining weight, are they running around like Billy Bob in Varsity Blues, eating a short stack of pancakes and washing it down with syrup on the way to work? Since Gus Frerotte is still the Vikings starting quarterback, I like Houston to beat the not-svelte Williams' Vikings on Sunday.
Arizona at St. Louis: Kurt Warner and his insane wife go back to St. Louis - and nearly get beaten by the Rams. I really like what Jim Haslett has done with the Rambinos - they're playing hard, they're running the football, throwing the deep ball, and making at least three game-changing penalties every game. Bad penalties are a Haslett specialty, just like good post-game news conferences. Arizona wins, but not because they deserve to.
Green Bay at Tennessee: I give all proper credit to Tennessee for the run they've been on this season -- watching Kerry Collins' career revival is kind of like watching Friday the 13th, Part 794, where Jason gets a job on Wall Street and single-handedly kills the economy with a machete (wait a minute, did I just stumble on to the root cause of the economic crisis? Go me. I rule.). That said, though, I think Green Bay pulls off the shocker this weekend behind two touchdowns from Aaron Rodgers and one defensive touchdown. Collins' can't be perfect all season, can he?
Miami at Denver: Thanks to the bye week, Denver's defense had a chance to catch up on its biology homework and shave for the first time. They're so cute at that age. This week, it's back to life as usual - getting their butts kicked around the field like any high school football team's defense would playing in the NFL. This week, Chaz Pennington continues throwing limp-wristed
Lamar Latrell darts around the field. I like Miami in this game, and they'll probably set a season-high for points, too.
Dallas at N.Y. Giants: If both teams were at full strength, this would be a great game to watch. Since Dallas is sending out the junior varsity, I think it's a rout for the Giants and Tom Coughlin's Rudolph-red nose. Dallas has the horses on defense to make the Eli Manning Face come out of hiatus, but the Cowboys' offense is pathetic. It feels like a 24-6 game to me.
By the way, is it just me, or does Plaxico Burress feel out of place on the Giants. For all the off-the-field bullhonkey that goes with Plax, he needs to play for the Cowboys. I think the NFL needs to make Plaxico and Roy Williams change sides on Sunday. Something about Plax and TO on the same team just feels right.
Atlanta at Oakland: Knowing Raiders fans, what's the over-under on Michael Vick/dog costumes in the Black Hole on Sunday? It's gotta be something like 20,000, doesn't it? I hate this game for picks purposes - only because I'm still not drinking the Falcons' Kool-Aid. I don't care what their record is. This team is not this good. They're just not. They're still good enough to eke past the Raiders, though.
Philadelphia at Seattle: Just when you're ready to write Seattle off for the season, they put a whupping on San Francisco. Hope that win tasted good, Seattle, because it won't happen this week. Credit Mike Holmgren with one thing, though - at least he prompted the Mike Singletary Era. Trust me, it's a good thing.
New England at Indianapolis: By rights, Indianapolis should win this game. They get Joseph Addai and Bob Sanders back from injury, Peyton Manning has two good wide receivers and the suddenly-old Marvin Harrison, and they're coming off a bad loss last week, so Tony Dungy will have the Colts extra-motivated to beat Bill Belichick. Somehow, I'm gravitating toward the Patriots, though, on the road, with their starting quarterback, running back and safety out and a defensive backfield that was last seen asking, "Do you want fries with that?' I really am a homer, arent' I?
Pittsburgh at Washington: Here's all I need to say about this game - I'm not starting Ben Roethlisberger in my fantasy league this weekend. That guy looks like the heroine in any slasher movie on AMC right now - the killer beats her up and makes her hurt her leg so she's limping around and can hardly move. Somehow, she still gets away and is the hero at the end of the movie. That's Big Ben right now - he's beat up, his numbers will be ugly, and the Steelers will have a chance to win games. Good in real life, bad in fantasy football. I don't like his chances Monday night, even with Santonio "What, Pot's Not Legal In Pennsylvania?' Holmes back in the lineup. The Steelers' offensive line has been horrible, and it doesn't get any better Monday night. Jason Campbell and the Redskins win a much-needed game to keep pace with the Giants in the NFC East.

 

Whitless wonders

Finn

Sir Cumference

Teddy

Simon Teska

Season Record

154-72

162-64

156-70

152-74

138-85

Previous Week

20-11

18-13

22-9

20-11

19-12

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NFL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NY Jets at Buffalo

BUF

 

BUF

BUF

NYJ

Detroit at Chicago

CHI

 

CHI

CHI

CHI

Jacksonville at Cincinnati

JAX

 

JAX

JAX

CINC

Baltimore at Cleveland

BAL

 

CLE

CLE

CLE

Tampa Bay at Kansas City

TB

 

TB

TB

KC

Houston at Minnesota

HOU

 

MINN

HOU

MINN

Arizona at St. Louis

ARIZ

 

STL

STL

ARIZ

Green Bay at Tennessee

GB

 

TENN

TENN

GB

Miami at Denver

MIA

 

DEN

DEN

DEN

Dallas at NY Giants

NYG

 

NYG

NYG

DAL

Atlanta at Oakland

Atl

 

OAK

ATL

ATL

Philadelphia at Seattle

PHI

 

PHI

PHI

PHI

New England at Indianapolis

NE

 

INDY

INDY

INDY

Pittsburg at Washington

WASH

 

WASH

PITT

WASH

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NCAA

 

 

 

 

Texas at Texas Tech

TEX

NA

TEX

T TECH

TEX

Alabama at Arkansas ST

ALA

NA

ALA

ALA

ALA

Oklahoma at Nebraska

OKLA

NA

OKLA

OKLA

OKLA

Florida at Georgia

FLA

NA

FLA

FLA

FLA

USC at Washington

USC

NA

USC

USC

USC

Oklahoma St. at Iowa State

OKLA ST

NA

OKLA ST

OKLA ST

OKLA ST

Utah at New Mexico

UTAH

NA

UTAH

UTAH

UTAH

Boise St. at New Mexico St.

BOISE

NA

BOISE

BOISE

BOISE

TCU at UNLV

TCU

NA

TCU

TCU

TCU

Missouri at Baylor

MISS

NA

MISS

MISS

MISS

LSU at Tulane

LSU

NA

LSU

LSU

LSU

Florida St. at Georgia Tech

FLA ST

NA

FLA ST

FLA ST

GA TECH

BYU at Colorado St.

BYU

NA

BYU

BYU

COLO ST

Tulsa at Arkansas

ARK

NA

ARK

ARK

ARK

Minnesota at Northwestern

NW

NA

MINN

MINN

MINN

Michigan State at Wisconsin

WISC

NA

MICH ST

MICH ST

MICH ST

Oregon at California

ORE

NA

ORE

ORE

ORE

 
 

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