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Alright Bills Fans - Now It's On
October 24, 2008 - John Whittaker
Fat Guy Trophy Picks
The Fat Guy Trophy Contest Picks will be posted later this afternoon once the rest of the picks are received.
For those of you who need bathroom reading this afternoon, or who have a really boring meeting, enjoy.
There might be additional content as the picks come in, too, so check back before you leave work.
The Whitless One
To: Bills Fans
Message: Now, it's on like Donkey Kong.
That's right, football fans.
Last weekend's games told me one thing and one thing only -- that the Bills and Patriots will battle down to the last two weeks of the season for the AFC East title.
I'd been holding off on forming a real opinion on the Bills because, other than when they beat Jacksonville, I wasn't convinced yet that they were for real. I know, they can only beat the teams on their schedule, but I still needed a bit more proof.
Well, beating San Diego - a team coming off a thrashing of the Patriots - gave me that proof. Monday night's Pats woodshed whupping of the Broncos told me that, at the very least, the Pats will be in the conversation for the division title at the end of the season.
It isn't going undefeated or anything, but given the circumstances, I'll take it.
Sir Cumference, for a Bills fan who has seen a lot of bad football since the Super Bowl Bills teams got old (and he's a Duke fan. Talk about bad junior varsity football), isn't ready to suck on the 'Bills Win The Division' popsicle quite yet. But, Mr. Cumference is pretty sure the Bills at least make the playoffs.
' Buffalo's chances of winning the division - I'd say they're about 50/50. The Patriots weathered the early storm after losing Brady and are still only one game back at the moment. I don't think the Jets or Dolphins have the horses, so it really looks like a two-team race to me with the early edge to the Bills. They crumbled down the stretch with a chance to make the playoffs last year, but this doesn't look like the same team to me - now they're winning the games that they were finding ways to lose. Also, I'd say Buffalo has at least an 80% chance of making the playoffs, and that might even be conservative. Tennessee's winning the AFC South, Pittsburgh's winning the North, so their wild card competition realistically looks like: Indy, Jax, Denver or San Diego (whichever doesn't win the West), and Baltimore, and all of those teams have very noticeable flaws.'
Good points, Senor Cumference. Good points. Just don't cry when you lose the division crown to a team starting Matt Cassel at quarterback, an undrafted kid from LSU at running back and Bob Sanders' illegitimate brother at safety.
And now, on to the games (hope you're a Seinfeld fan):
Oakland at Baltimore: I'm picking Baltimore - I'm just not ready to put much faith in Tom Cable and JaMarcus Russell. On the flip side, however, do you think Sebastian Janikowski ever sits in bed at night and makes the Deep Belly Voice -- Helloooo. I'm an NFL kickerrrrrrr. Looooook at meeeeeeee, I give people rufeeeeeeees. My helmet's too little for me heeeeeaaaaadddddd. -- These are the things I wonder about at night.
Arizona at Carolina: Ugh. I think I like Arizona. I have no idea what to make of the Panthers - they're more two-faced than Jerry's girlfriend in the Festivus episode. Last week, Carolina was sitting in the good booth at the coffee shop, eating Paco's soup with the rubber band in it, and this week they could be the ugly girl on Frank Costanza's porch. Arizona wins the feats of strength this weekend.
Tampa Bay at Dallas: I'm taking Teddy's Tampa Bay Bucs this weekend - mainly because the Cowboys' backups are about as good as the Bette Midler's understudy in Rochelle, Rochelle. No word whether or not Tony Romo and the other missing starters were playing Tampa Bay's team in the Improv softball league. And, yes, Tony Romo is in Kramer's apartment as we speak.
Sir Cumference's Take: Dallas: Brad Johnson can't be as bad as he was last week, unless he's aging in Varitek years, and I like a desperate team playing at home.
Washington at Detroit: Washington wins, and you all know why. Thank God this game isn't on TV, though, because it might be as painful as that two-hour bit Jerry had to fill for Career Day. 'Why do they call it homework…' Since this game will be over by halftime, Jason Campbell gets to spend the second half hitting on the Portuguese waitress.
Sir Cumference's Take: Washington: God, this Lions team is horrible.
Buffalo at Miami: Trent Edwards tees up a golf ball on the beach and kills a marine mammal. The sea will be angry, my friends, like an old man sending back soup in a deli. As I approached, Chad Pennington let out a meek whimper, and I said, Take it like a man, little fella. I won't even say anything bad about the Bills with this pick - since Edwards made me look foolish last week. Okay Trent - I'm actually Batman. Got you. Buffalo wins, probably by 10 points or so.
St. Louis at New England: Matt Cassel leaves the Patriots fans wanting more by leaving on a high note this weekend, especially if Kevin Faulk and BenJarvus Green-Ellis (I swear that's his name) provide any running game, while St. Louis comes out flat because Jim Haslett's pre-game speech had way too many bad puns. I'm picking the Pats to keep pace with the Bills in the AFC East race.
San Diego vs. New Orleans: There is so much not to like about this game. Like Kramer and jockey shorts, I'm off both of these teams. They're just too inconsistent to count on - so I'll go with San Diego based on overall health, a slightly better defense and the heavy chance a real bounder in London commandeers the Saints team bus on the way to Wembley Stadium.
Sir Cumference's Take: San Diego: The two most schizophrenic teams in the league and they're playing in London. If anyone tells you they know who is winning this one, they're either an idiot or a liar.
Kansas City at N.Y. Jets: Quarterbacks the Chiefs should consider signing for this week's games: Billie Jo Tolliver, Billy Jo Hobart, Bobby Hebert, Steve DeBerg, Neil O'Donnell, Scott Zolak, Don Majkowski, Chris Miller, Jeff George. That might be a sign that I'm picking the Jets, even though I don't think Jets fans thought the Brett Favre Era would start off like this. I could see Jets fans, by the way, sitting in a doctor's office one of these weeks screaming, "My season's gone! My season's gone! You bring me in here and steal my season!'
Atlanta at Philadelphia: This is a tougher game to call than it should be, but if Philadelphia wins, Marcellino will take down Andy Reid's bounced clown check. The Little Andy Reids win a surprisingly easy one this weekend, and Arthur Blank gets arrested for harboring George's fugitive girlfriend.
Cleveland at Jacksonville: Does anyone remember the episode where Jerry's brain is playing chess against his, ummmm…., lower brain over whether to have carnal relations with an actress or break it off and end the relationship? Take the sex out of the equation, and I'm equally torn on this game. So, this is what it sounds like in my head when I'm talking myself into a pick my rational self knows I'll regret later -- I think I like Cleveland here. Derek Anderson could rebound against this defense. David Garrard's not that good, is he? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I like the Browns. Isn't the Jags offensive line still banged up? Aren't they squeaking by teams they should kill? Cleveland looked good in the fourth quarter Sunday, didn't' they? They could pull this off. -- Yeah, that's me talking myself into a pick I know I'll regret later. I know this, and I'm still picking Cleveland.
Sir Cumference's Take: Jacksonville: Over/under on Braylon Edwards' drops this week: 3.5. Seriously, I now know what it looks like when a human tries to catch a porcupine.
N.Y. Giants at Pittsburgh: This is me channeling John Madden. I'll tell you what, this game will be decided by who scores the most points. If Pittsburgh can score enough points on the Giants defense, they have a real chance to win this game. And, look for Hines Ward to line up some unsuspecting guy in the secondary and BOOM, WHAM, knock him on his keyster. I think John Madden and I take Pittsburgh.
Seattle at San Francisco: Does Mike Singletary realize he's basically working for the football version of Krueger Industrial Smoothing? Mike York, indeed, spends hours trying to spin around three times in his chair without his feet touching the ground, and he gets his messages in a shoebox. Good luck, Mike. You'll need it. On the plus side, look at this side of things for Coach Singletary. Your boss gets fired, you're named coach and you get the University of Washington. … er, the Seattle Seahawks in you first game. Actually, I really like the Singletary decision - I think the 49ers should have hired him in the first place three years ago. But, better late than never.
By the way, how is this game on Sunday Night Football? Looks like the News Gal and I watch an evening of Bridezilla and Seinfeld reruns on Sunday!
Sir Cumference's Take: San Francisco: Seattle is atrocious, and San Fran is not quite as bad. Also, I could see the Niners coming out a bit possessed after the coaching change - Singletary's eyes still scare the hell out of me and he's been retired for like 20 years.
Indianapolis at Tennessee: Why couldn't' this game be on Sunday? Thank you, Roger Goodell, for making me flip between How I Met Your Mother/Two and a Half Men and the game, again. Next time you speak at the Chautauqua Institution, you'll be hearing from my remote - which got really worn out last Monday night. He's pretty ticked off right now.
As for the game, I'm voting for Bizarro Indianapolis -- Tennessee is the Colts' exact opposite. They say goodbye when they walk into a room, hello when they leave. Indianapolis can't play defense, Indianapolis is the best defensive team in the league. Indianapolis hasn't been able to run the ball at all, Tennessee could trot Jeff Fisher out and he'd run for 120 yards and a touchdown. The Colts' can't protect Peyton Manning, and the Titans find a way to keep Kerry Collins upright and productive. The Titans win, and Tony Dungy ends up sitting alone in the bizarro coffee shop eating a small salad.
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